With the endless rain, seems to have come a flood of
emotion, in this final week of our journey in India.
Yesterday we both shared from a Psalm at church, which was
truly a time I experienced what Paul talks about as he stood before the church at Corinth. He said he didn’t come proclaiming the testimony of God with lofty
speech or wisdom but rather with weakness and fear as his speech was only a
demonstration of the Spirit’s power that those listening might place their
faith in the power of God over the wisdom of man.
I didn’t wake up that morning having a clue of what I would
share. I had several ideas, but still hadn’t found the time to prepare anything
specific. I found myself fighting hard for joy and there wasn’t a whole lot in
me that even desired to stand before my brothers and sisters to testify on that
gloomy Sunday morning.
I did of course, and I am so thankful that the holy spirit
speaks through us, even when we don’t have the wisdom in of ourselves. As I was
sharing about David and the extent of the mess he made out of his life, I
couldn’t help but recall how much I actually need that kind of grace too.
Tomorrow marks celebration of four years since I graduated
from Mercy Ministries, and let’s just say though I hadn’t murdered anyone, my life
was about as messed up as it could have gotten when I walked through those
doors. I was without hope and ready to welcome death to this body with much
relief.
Even after David slept with another man’s wife and then
decided to kill her husband to cover up the baby growing in her stomach that
actually belonged to him, God still gave more grace.
After I overdosed in attempt to end my life those four and a
half years ago, God said "No, I have other plans for you, plans for your heart to turn to me and for you to experience life as I have intended, to the full." He gave
me more grace too, you see?
In Psalm 51 we hear David’s pleas for mercy as he confesses
the mess he made to God. Then he begs God for forgiveness, asking even to be
purged with hyssop and washed clean, whiter then snow it says. Before long,
David is asking God to “restore to me the joy of your salvation and uphold me
with a willing spirit.”
As I encouraged the church with this, I felt his grip
beneath me firm up. And as for the joy, I am realizing that it comes as we
withdraw from ourselves and our own needs, to see others in light of Christ
crucified. After David asks God to restore to him joy, David says “Then I will
teach sinners your ways and they will return to you.”
When I get in these dark places of selfishness and sorrow, I
think I forget about the victory he already won. David was still broken by his
sin and distant from God when he’s writing this. There was no reason for him to
proclaim he would draw sinners back to God before God had even answered his own prayers for joy and sustainment. Apart from him knowing at the end, God has
already won the victory. But He has!
Even last night, I was once again joyless and emotional.
Overloaded with the four days until we leave to-do list and the future [and the
significance of this place within my future]. Just trying to make it another
hour or two until I could go to bed, honestly.
Then we were told we would go visit another home. When we
got there, they laid a mat on the ground and a few people piled in, sitting at
our feet. The drum appeared and before long we were worshipping as the spirit
dwelled richly. They told us to preach something, anything. I fought with the
Lord. I literally remember thinking, “Are you kidding me? No way that is the
last thing I want to do. I don't even have my bible.” We shared and they offered up their best snacks to
us. We ate and the tears streamed. He gives more grace, he really does.
I am beginning to see in my own life as well, that the joy
doesn’t come in waiting for the end. It isn't found in consumption of kingdom of self during the wait either. The joy comes as we speak the gospel
and the hearts of man with ears to hear are turned back to God.
And the wait is coming to an end, you know?
And I when our knees bow and our tongues proclaim, well, I
want all of my family and friends and Indian brothers and sisters to be there too.
For it for the JOY set before me.
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| If I had a favorite, well, he is the one. So many more kiddos here need sponsors too. [$10-$20/month. Want to help?? Email for info. @courtosborn12@gmail.com] |
...For this reason, I bow my knees before the Father, from whom
every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of
His glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in
your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that
you, being rooted and established in love, may have strength to comprehend with
all of the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to
know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with
all the fullness of God. –Eph. 3:14-19
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